


Understanding

by Celtic_Knot



Category: Hakuouki
Genre: Angst, Blood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship, Near Death Experiences, Romance, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-05-20
Packaged: 2018-03-31 11:50:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3976987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celtic_Knot/pseuds/Celtic_Knot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The warmth of her hands was so great, it made him aware for the first time of how cold he was. Cold, dark, cold, pain… Still Chizuru looked at him, willing him with every fiber of her tiny being to be alright. Not like this…" </p><p>A Heisuke-centric look at his experiences during, and right after Aburano Kouji.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Understanding

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Hakuouki, nor did I in any way contribute to its creation. All rights go to their respective owners. 
> 
> WARNINGS: Contains depictions of blood and violence, a near death experience, as well as some dark/angsty thoughts. 
> 
> I haven't done any creative writing in quite some time, so I'm extremely rusty. Basically, I apologize for the hot mess that this piece probably is, but I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> I wanted write from Heisuke's point of view on the events of Aburano Kouji, and his experiences and emotions surrounding it. We've got Heisuke's uncertainty, fear, and overcoming those things. I tried my best to write this more vulnerable side of Heisuke, while still holding true to his personality. Not sure how well I did, that's up for you to decide.

 

* * *

 

**_“Love and death are the two great hinges on which all human sympathies turn.” - B. R. Hayden_ **

       How did the hell did wanting to decide for himself who was right end up like this? The only light in the alley came from the moon and stars along with the occasional lantern, dimly illuminating the weapons and tightly drawn faces of the men all around him. Friend, enemy, everything seemed to blur together in a whirl of angry shouts, and rampant accusations of guilt. A gunshot broke through the sound of steel being drawn. The demons, of course the demons. Why not add yet another piece to an already challenging game? Shiranui’s gun blew a bloody hole through one of the Guardians. Apparently the Satsuma had betrayed the Guardians. Everything was becoming a tangled web, and Heisuke couldn’t be sure what would happen next. Who was the enemy (besides the obvious answer of the demons, because those bastards were always the enemy)? His eyes trace the movements of the two new arrivals. Where Shiranui’s style was to simply kill anyone, and enjoy every second of fear and pain, Amagiri was quiet for a few seconds. Disapproval of his companion’s actions was apparent on the grave face of the man who had scarred him at the Ikedaya Inn. He offered a deal… For Chizuru. Heisuke’s chest tightened in synch with his hand reaching for his sword. His eyes flickered to Sano and Shinpachi. They would have no part of such an exchange. Relief washed over him, only to be snatched away by the tension of the heat of battle. Men began to clash all around.

      For a moment he was frozen in place, not out of fear, but out of an overwhelming sense of confusion. Guardians of the Imperial Tomb or the Shinsengumi? He had thought he had already made this decision, yet here they were. Sano, Shinpachi, and worst of all Chizuru… Sano and Shin urging him to return was bad enough. The warmth in their voices despite the chaos surrounding them, and the familiarity of their teasing tugged him toward memories he’d been trying to push down since joining Itou. The glint of mischief in Souji’s eyes, the way Hajime-kun would smile into his scarf when he thought no one was looking… Hijikata attempting to be a hardass while being just as compassionate as Kondo-san underneath it all… And Chizuru. This was not the first time he found his thoughts circling back to her since he left. That day when she confronted him and Hajime-kun over their departure... He had felt regret gnawing at him from the moment she had told him to take care of himself. He was abandoning her, and her quest to find her father and she _still_ was worried about him.

     It almost made him laugh. Almost, but not quite. Laughter had not come as easily to him during these months with the Guardians.It was strange how much the people you surround yourself with shape who you are. His normally cheerful, and bright personality seemed terribly out of place among coldness and cutting deception of Itou and his men. Again, and again his thoughts shifted back to the Shinsengumi. Sano giving him advice on girls, Shinpachi stealing his food, Chizuru waking him up for breakfast. All these simple things he had taken for granted. He raised his sword, but he’s not entirely sure where to point it. He longed to jump back into battle on Shinpachi and Sano’s side. God knows they need him (and he might just need those old geezers too). Yet if he were to switch sides now, would that mean everything he put himself through leading up to this moment was for nothing?

     “Heisuke!” He is pulled from such thoughts by a small, scared, yet strong presence in this damned alley where the air was oppressively thick with betrayal as former comrades faced each other. Chizuru came to this bloodbath just to try and convince him to return. He should have known she would do this. That night when he had stopped Amigiri from kidnapping her, before having to flee as Shinsengumi members clad in their pale blue haori began to approach. That night he had let her catch a glimpse of his uncertainty in his decision to join Itou. He had let her see his doubt, and was not proud of it… Yet with Chizuru it was odd. He felt both as though he had to be strong for her, and as though it was safe to share with her his fears. Yes, these feelings were new to him and he hadn’t yet had time to sort them out. There was no time to think about that now either. Vaguely he hears his own voice call her an idiot. Anger flares up within him. Perhaps he's a little angry at her for choosing to risk herself for him, but even more so he's upset with himself. If he had just… No. There was nothing good that could come from rehashing all of his decisions that led up to this point.

      Instead he reached for Chizuru and yanked her behind him, “I left because I believed Itou’s ideas would be better for our country. It landed me here, and…”

      “Do you still believe that?” Her question cut him off, as he had been trying to explain his actions once more. He did not hate the guys, or her… He never wanted any of this to happen. She had to know that. Now of all times he wished he were better with words.

      His tongue seemed heavy, and his throat tight when he tried once more to explain, “I don’t know. Some of Itou’s ideas… Blaming Sano for that assassination. It felt wrong. But killing him in the street doesn’t feel right to me either. I just…”

      Heisuke knocked away the sword of a Satsuma man as he tried not to cry. Forcing a laugh and smile was the only way he could stop a sob from making its way out of his throat. _Please understand._ Desperation was a feeling he had never felt so poignantly until now. The sorrow in Chizuru’s eyes buries itself into his ribs, she understands, she always had.

      Words spilled from his mouth, he’s trying (and probably failing) to convey to her what these past months have been like. “I was wrong to choose a path that was about following someone else. I can’t stop thinking about the Shinsengumi-“

      “I… I think about you a lot too. I’m sure I’m not the only one either, we all miss you.”

      Her words seemed to silence the chaotic sounds of battle. A real, albeit small, smile found its way to his face. The loneliness he felt had not been one-sided. That validation seemed to restore his strength, he knocked away another blade. It felt lighter this time. As though the weight lifted from his shoulders was also lifted from his enemy’s blade.

     Still he wasn’t sure what to fight for, “I want to go back. I really do. But if I rejoin the Shinsengumi then I don’t know what I’m fighting for.” Confusion is written across her features, and she questions what he means. This she wouldn’t understand, and he is almost grateful for that because it means she has never had to live a warrior’s life.

    “What are you doing Toudou?! That kid’s Shinsengumi! Kill him!” A Guardian’s rough voice alerted Heisuke to another member of the Guard charging Chizuru.

     That’s right, the Shinsengumi was their enemy, that’s what joining the Guard meant. Still it was as though his body moved of its own accord when he slammed the hilt of his sword into the stomach of the attacking man. Allowing the Guard to hurt Chizuru was absolutely wrong. Of that he was sure.

      “Heisuke…? You saved me?” The surprise in her voice stung. Did she really believe he wouldn’t? Yet the sight of the man curled into a ball at his feet surprised him as well. “I guess I’m a pretty sad excuse for a Guardian.” His voice was a hollow whisper. He almost didn't recognize it as his own.

     “I thought I had a reason for following Itou-san into this mess, I guess I didn’t…” The Guard now identified him as an enemy. Chizuru stiffened behind him, as they began to approach with their blades drawn. He was a traitor in their eyes. The hatred, and disgust in their eyes should have hurt more than it did. A small laugh slipped from his lips. _Guess I never really considered myself one of them._ His grip on his sword tightened along with his resolve. All of this bullshit about politics and ideals had made him question things about himself and others that he never should have doubted. Enough was enough. None of that really mattered. Having Chizuru here depending on him showed him that. His hesitation and confusion fell away.

     Layer after layer of self-doubt, and insecurity gave way to a new found determination. Strength that had been missing from his voice returned with each word, “I don’t care if I have to fight 100 men, or 1,000 demons… “ Heisuke paused to look over his shoulder at Chizuru. Her eyes were blown wide, yet she looked back at him with encouragement that caused him to grin. “No matter what, I’ll be there for you! Any bastard that thinks he can come after you will have to get through me first, because you’re what I’m fighting for!” That was all it took. All his questioning, and doubt was erased as he rushed forward to fend off the members of the Guard. More and more Satsuma entered the alley way. The amount of men in a small space created a terrible environment for fighting. There was no room. Everywhere he looked Heisuke saw a flashing blade, a man falling, blood staining the walls and the dirt of Aburano Kouji. This was nothing new to him, but the quicker this was over the better for Chizuru. His own blade met that of another, before sliding past the man’s defenses and into his chest. A wet gurgling sound signaled the end of a life, as he fell among the dead and dying that had begun to fill the alley. Stepping over, and around fallen bodies posed new challenges to fighting in the tight space.

   Blood from his enemies ran down his sword, and coated his hands forcing him to readjust his grip. Splatters hit his face leaving trails of warmth that would turn cold along with the body they had come from. All this gore did not slow him. He continued to swing his blade at any Satsuma, or Guard member in his reach. Chizuru was his choice. Chizuru and the Shinsengumi. They had been his true family and friends all along. A quick glance around revealed Shinpachi’s blade leaping in and out of enemies as he grinned down at his opponents. Shin was never deterred by unfavorable odds, or anything of the like. Sano’s spear wheeled about, taking down man after man. There was comfort in these violent actions. It was as if nothing had changed. Sano and Shinpachi were the same they had always been, they were still his comrades after everything. Another glance back showed Chizuru trying to stay both close to him, and out of his way at the same time. Her nervous flittering would have made him laugh were it not for the battle that currently commanded his attention. In the background he could hear Shiranui’s shouts of frustration as the sheer volume of men in the confined space interfered with his ability to shoot.

     Heisuke’s attention quickly turned from one demon to the other. It was about time to pay that man back for the Ikedaya Inn. The stoic member of the demon clam regarded him with little concern other than for Heisuke’s own safety, “Are you sure you wish to confront me on your own? Though your courage is perhaps admirable.” His voice caused tension to run through Heisuke’s body. Of everyone in this alleyway, he knew exactly how strong Amigiri was. However, he did not let it diminish his resolve.

    “We’re a little short on men, so you’ll have to deal with just me.”

     Chizuru’s gasp behind him betrayed her nervousness. She had been there during the raid on Ikedaya, she had witnessed the wound to forehead. Trying to summon the words to comfort her was difficult even though he longed to make her laugh and smile. It was never his intention to make her worry about him, although somewhere in the back of his mind he knew her worry was more than justified.

     The demon sighed. “You were unable to defeat me then. Your situation is no more ideal now. What do you hope to accomplish?”

     For once Heisuke had nothing to say in return. With a single breath to steady himself, he rushed Amagiri. The demon’s fists moved swiftly and powerfully, forcing Heisuke and in turn Chizuru back. _Damn it._ Gritting his teeth, blue-green eyes darted about trying to find some way to gain an advantage that would help make up for his shortcomings as a human trying to battle a demon. Time, space, and luck were not on his side. The sounds of clashing blades all around had begun to make his ears rings, and the smell of blood and sweat was becoming quite potent. Satsuma soldiers pushed forward. No matter how many Sano, Shinpachi, and the other Shinsengumi members put down more flooded in to fill their place. Heisuke’s stomach twisted briefly. The Satsuma were like rats, and he wasn’t referring just to the fact they betrayed their former allies, the Guardians. It was the way they slunk out from behind walls of stone and shadow to join a battle that they were winning by the sheer numbers they had infested Aburano Kouji with. Chizuru yelped noticing the bad situation Heisuke was in. When had she gotten so far away from him? The fierce battle raging all around had made it impossible for her to stay close to him, and now the distance between them filled with enemy soldiers filled him with fear. His mind flashed to Souji proudly telling the guys that Hajime-kun had said Chizuru was skilled enough to protect herself on patrols. This was nothing like patrol, and she stood no chance against these men.

    Time seemed to slow down, and speed up all at once as two Satsuma soldiers broke from the faceless masses to charge Chizuru. The distance was too big, the amount of people in the way was too great… _Gotta do something!_ His mind whirled trying to figure out a way to stop those men from killing Chizuru in this damn place that she never should have been in to begin with. “Watch out!” his call did nothing as the two raced toward her, Chizuru seemed resigned to her fate. Briefly it reminded him of the time when Chizuru first came to them and had been faced by the fact that they might have to kill her. She was scared, but still there was a strength behind her fear that he had admired. She would not die here. He would not allow it. Both his katana and wakizashi left his hands with tremendous force before they sliced into flesh. One straight through the neck, the other directly through the heart. Actually, he was rather impressed with his aim as the two enemies were dropped dead before they could harm Chizuru. The vice-like terror that had gripped him loosened a little at the sight of Chizuru opening her eyes. Her confusion quickly turned to panic as she realized he was now surrounded without any weapon. Her eyes met his with terror plainly written across her now colorless face. All he could do was grin at her. He knew there was no way in hell he would stand a chance against Amagiri without any weapons, but she was safe that was all that mattered. So long as she left this place alive, then he had been successful in what he was fighting for.

    Even Amagiri looked a little surprised at his brash actions, “Your courage is impressive…” His fist moved toward him with what was most likely impressive speed, but appeared to be in slow motion to Heisuke. “but foolish.” There was nowhere to go, and no way to block. The fist connected with his chest with devastating force that flung him across the alley like a rag doll. Chizuru’s scream filled his ears, along with the rush of his own blood as he crumbled to the ground. A gigantic weight… His chest felt so, so heavy. Blood had soaked the front of his clothing, weighing the cloth down with sticky red adding to the weight and pain he was feeling. The edges of his vision began to darken. He thought he heard Sano, and Shinpachi yelling as they tried to make their way to him. Their exact words were lost to him, as was the sound of retreating Satsuma soldiers. The alleyway that was once gray, black, and silver was painted red. Sano came to prop him up on his lap, and hold his shoulders. Shinpachi knelt beside him squeezing one hand on his knee, and holding Heisuke’s hand with his other. Dark, heavy, dark, pain… Death. This is what dying felt like? Chizuru came to kneel beside him as well. Her small hand grasped his other hand, and she reached out to touch his face. Her hand came back soaked in red. The fear, and sadness in her eyes yanked on his heartstrings, and made him struggle to force words out. Words… If you could even call them that, as they sounded distinctly like gurgling and coughing even to his own ears.

    “Looks like I fucked up.”

    “Shut up, damnit! Don’t try to talk. This isn’t good…” Sano’s voice managed to reach him in the strange darkness he seemed to be floating in. Heisuke willed himself to focus on where Sano’s hands gripped his shoulders as though the older man’s strong hands could somehow hold him tight enough that death couldn’t take him. It was a foolish thought, but Heisuke was a foolish man as Amagiri had said. Sano and Shinpachi’s grave faces seemed out of place. _Smile, please just smile._ This was not how he wanted to remember them, or them to remember him. This wasn’t right. Fear began to grow in his aching chest.

    Shinpachi tightened his grip on his hand,“Damnit Heisuke! You can’t die here!”

    Heisuke agreed. Dying here was the last thing he wanted to do. Dying was scarier than he ever expected. Living as a warrior meant you were supposed to be prepared for death, yet how the hell anyone was ever truly prepared for this he had no idea. Darker, heavier, darker, fading… All he wanted was to see his friends smiling and laughing, and to be a part of that. To see Chizuru to happy, to figure out why he had thought of her almost constantly since leaving the Shinsengumi. All these things were being taken from him.

    “No! You can’t die, Heisuke! Please Heisuke-kun don’t die…” The pain in his chest seemed to intensify with each word Chizuru spoke. Her hands shook violently as she attempted to wipe the blood from his cheek. The warmth of her hands was so great, it made him aware for the first time of how cold he was. Cold, dark, cold, pain… Still Chizuru looked at him, willing him with every fiber of her tiny being to be alright. Not like this… He couldn’t leave her without some comfort, so he spoke once more despite Sano’s earlier scolding.

    “I’m sorry, I… I wanted to be there for you for a while longer…” A choked laugh, “I screwed that up pretty damn good…” A gasping breath, “didn’t I…?” And finally a shaky smile, “Sorry, Chizuru…”

    She shook her head, and tears began to slip down her face. He tried to reach out to wipe them away but his arms wouldn’t move. There was no strength left in his body. It had all seeped out with the blood that had matted his yellowish-gold and purple clothing into an ugly shade of brownish-red. Slipping… So far away… With each passing moment he was pulled farther and farther from Sano, Shinpachi, and Chizuru. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many things that they needed to know. And god damnit they needed to stop looking at him like they were living the worst moments of their entire lives. _Be happy, please, be happy._ Really that was all he ever wanted for his friends.

  _Tell Souji not to be too much of an ass to Hijikata, and that he’s more than just a fucking sword. Tell Hajime that he belongs with us, and nothing about him being left-handed will ever change that. Tell Sannan-san that I admire him, and his skill as a warrior. I should have said something before he took the medicine. Tell Hijikata-san that it’s ok to depend on others, and that he should lighten up a little. And finally tell Kondo-san thank you, for allowing me to be part of something that has made leaving you all behind so impossibly hard._ These are the things he would have asked the three before him to relay if he had had the breath left.

    He had so few words left, and Chizuru needed them most. “I’m fine… Don’t… worry about… me…” These words were a lie. Heisuke hated lying, but he hated that look of despair on Chizuru’s face more.

   The pale moonlight had washed her out to the color of fresh snow, and made the red (his blood) on her hands stand out with shocking clarity. He didn’t want to die, but now he was convinced that no one ever did. No one could ever be ok with what he was feeling now. Sano and Shinpachi murmured comforting words that seemed out of place, and he knew they were as much for themselves as they were for him. A sharp jerk was the only warning he received as Shinpachi scooped him up with Sano’s help, and they began to run. The whole way back to headquarters was a blur. Consciousness slipped away, and came back only to slide away again. Was death always this agonizingly slow? How long had it been since Amagiri struck him? No idea. Nothing registered except for the shouts of Sano and Shin for someone to get a doctor, as they laid him down. He was too far gone. Anyone could tell you that. Yamazaki couldn’t help him, no one could help him. He was going to die for sure. Until Sannan-san ordered everyone out of the room and placed that vile of red in front of him…

    “Toudou-kun you are going to die. Although I think you already knew that. The only thing that can save you is the Water of Life. Will you drink it?”

    A bitter laugh thick with blood passed his reddened lips. That damn medicine that he had hated since the beginning was the only thing that could save him. Save him, or change him? What if he hurt his friends? _Dying would hurt them too._ He remembered how against the medicine he had been when Kodo first shared it with the Shinsengumi. It went against so many morals that he held dear to his heart. It made men he considered comrades go insane, and end up having to be killed anyway. He knew all of this, and yet… Everything in him screamed to do whatever it took to survive, but trading his humanity was such a high cost… His fingers clenched in the blood stained sheets beneath him. The agony in his chest, and the haziness of his mind was like a count down until his demise. He was out of time, the choice had to be now. Shinpachi, Sano, and Chizuru… Their faces, and their words from Aburano Kouji came back to him. They had wanted him to live, he wanted to live. Without giving himself time to back out he snatched the tiny bottle, and dumped the contents into his mouth. Oh how it burned. The bitter liquid raced down his throat, chasing his blood away and replacing it with a scorching taste of poison. Violent seizures wracked his body, and pain gripped him tightly once more. _Please don’t let me lose my mind._ Blackness.

* * *

 

     When he awoke the next day… Night? The pain that had tortured him from the moment Amagiri’s fist had meet his chest was gone. There was absolutely no sign of his mortal wound left. He’d spent several minutes just staring at his reflection, looking his body over for signs of the previous evening’s events. Nothing. Not even a scar. And worse still was he felt normal. Completely normal. Did that mean the madness would take him so slowly that he would not notice? The thought froze him stiff for several seconds, before he let out a shuttering breath. This is still better than being dead. Dead people cannot smile, or laugh, or protect those important to them. He took several deep breaths reminding his lungs what it felt like to be filled with air, without having to struggle for each painful gasp. Walking down the halls of the wing that had been devoted to the Fury Corps was eerie, and cold. Still this is better than being dead. Feeling the tatami mats under his feet, smelling the dampness of the night air, and looking at the silvery moon that had become the sun for him. All these small things reminded him that he was alive. So long as he was alive he would still be able to enjoy the things he had once done (just so long as they didn't involve direct sunlight).

   His biggest fear was that his friends wouldn't treat him the same. _You’re a monster._ He squashed the thought. Of course they would treat him the same. He would do the same for them if their roles were reversed. If it were not for those who had cared about him so much (and his own fear of his demise) he would not be here right now. Sannan-san seemed happy to have another captain as a fury, although Kondo and Hijikata found it a bit concerning. He was alive, but he was dead. Yes, he had just spent the past hour or so convincing himself that he was alive, but he was also quite dead. Everyone saw him receive a fatal wound at Aburano Kouji. They had put together a funeral for him. How strange it felt to have a funeral for a man who was still alive, whose pulse still thrummed beneath his skin (he had checked more than once). He laughed a little, but it lacked something. He was alive, but his future lacked something… Bleak. That would be the word he used to describe his future.

    “Toudou-kun! Yukimura-kun is here to see you.”

    Sannan-san pulled him from his racing thoughts with mention of Chizuru. Happiness and nervousness swelled in his chest. He longed to see her, and yet he was nervous that things would be different between them. That she would fear him like she feared the other furies. She always looked a little uneasy around Sannan-san as well. If she were to look at him that way… It would hurt. He walked toward where Sannan-san had told him to meet her almost mindlessly until he saw her face and brightened at once.

   “I’m sorry to bother you.” This caught him off guard. Of course she wasn't bothering him. Didn't she know how much he longed for everyone to treat him as they once had? For people to not treat him like a dead man.

   “It’s no problem. What’s up?” He cringed at the awkwardness of his own voice. This is exactly what he didn't want to happen. How could they go from laughing together, and feeling so close to this uncomfortable exchange? It was like she wanted to say something, but was afraid… Afraid of him, or afraid of hurting him he couldn't tell.

   “I.. umm… Just wanted to know how you were feeling, Heisuke-kun.” She smiled a bit, but it appeared strained.

   “Oh,” he smiled gently, trying to reassure her. “I, um. Well my wounds have all healed. I feel almost too good actually.”

   “Well that’s…” Her face brightened for a moment before falling. The next word never came. He watched her face tighten, and her eyes fill with sorrow. Suddenly her warm brown eyes that normally provided him comfort, made his heart twist. He knew what she was thinking. Yes he was healed, but what had it cost him? The medicine was created by her father, and he had been hurt protecting her (not that he regretted it for a single second). Maybe she felt guilty? This startled him, and he opened his mouth to try and reassure her, make her understand that he was thankful to be alive despite his earlier brooding. She beat him to it.

   “Can I stay with you for a while?” The question was not what he expected, but not unpleasant either. Her company in this hall of monsters would be a welcome distraction. Before he could tell her such she pushed on with that stubbornness and determination that he had grown so fond of.

   “No! Not just here, or just for a while! I want to stay with you as long as I can! Please… If I ever get in the way I’ll leave. Just please let me stay, can I?!”

   His eyes widened at her declaration. Never had he heard her be so forceful. Her jaw set, and the sadness in her eyes replaced with determination. Had his mind not been reeling from her question he would have thought she looked much better this way. He blinked as his thoughts finally started to come together in some sort of cohesive strand. After all of that… After all his fear about his future, about whether or not he was alive or dead, she… His fears of being set apart from everyone he cared for so deeply by his fury blood were eased by her outburst. The weight that had never quite left his chest since his injury disappeared, and the grayness of his earlier dark thoughts began to be replaced by the colors of a chance at a future with those he cared about. With the girl he… He… Well he hadn't quite gotten that far, but he did know that she was extremely important to him. This girl with her limited swordsmanship skills, small frame, and incredible determination wanted to stay with him. Laughter broke free from him, pure joy filling his heart. His shoulders shook with the sound as he looked at her shocked expression. Perhaps it was unkind to laugh rather than answer her, but he couldn't help it. All of his fears and worries, vanquished by this girl who couldn't defend herself from most opponents. It was somewhat absurd. Her expression showed both relief and confusion at his outburst.

   “Is it that funny?”

   “No, I’m sorry. It’s not that. “

    Her jaw set stubbornly, “Well, what is it then?”

    “I’m just happy, that’s all.” Heisuke shook his head, and smiled. “I’ve been driving myself a bit nuts wondering if I’m actually alive or dead. I’m still not sure, but I feel different than I did before… That much I know. I.. I wasn’t sure there was much of a future for me as I am now. That freaked me out a bit. I didn’t want to die, but I… Just a lot of unpleasant stuff stuck in my head, you know? But having you here cheered me up. “

    “Really?” She looked surprised, doubting her own ability to ease the discomfort he had felt at his new condition.

    “Yeah. You’re pretty amazing, Chizuru. So thanks. I needed that.”

     Her cheeks turned a pretty shade of pink. It made him almost want to… No. Now wasn't the time for that. “You don’t needed to thank me.” She shifted from one foot to the other, “You used to cheer me up all the time when I was scared and new to the Shinsengumi.”

    “Well I think you cheered me up a bit more, not that it’s a competition.” Placing a hand on her shoulder, he smiled and gave it a gentle squeeze, his calloused fingers sliding against the pink fabric. The warmth of her shoulder reminded him of the warmth of her hands on the night of Aburano Kouji. His hand lingered for a moment longer as he tried to memorize the exact curve of her shoulder, and the way it felt to reach out and grasp someone so alive. He may not be sure of his own status, but he was sure of hers and that was enough. He had sworn he would protect her, and the fact that she was standing here in front of him meant that for once he made the right choice. For once he didn’t regret his decision.

    She met his eyes despite her growing blush, “So I can stay right? As long as I don’t get in the way?” He laughed again. It was funny how he had not truly laughed the whole time he was with the Guardians, and yet Chizuru could inspire that joy in him without even trying.

    “Of course. I don’t see myself ever seeing you as being in my way, so stay as long as you like.”

    “Are you sure?”

    “Yeah. Having you around… It makes me happier.” Now it was his turn to blush. The warmth rising to his face was a relief to him despite his embarrassment. _I’m alive_. His answer brought a smile to her face, and she thanked him. Really it should be him who was thanking her, but he was out of words. Saying what he was feeling was difficult for him, it always had been. It was part of why Sano said he would never be as good as him with the ladies. But maybe for Chizuru his stumbling words would be enough. Maybe for her a half-demon, half-human monster would be enough. Because he was still Heisuke. He still enjoyed the same things he always did, he still had the same feelings for Chizuru, the same bonds with the others. So long as he could hold onto those things, he would be ok. Even more so he could hold onto what Chizuru saw in him. Something made her ask to stay with him despite the fact she had witnessed firsthand what the Water of Life could do to a man’s mind. Still she wanted to stay. He was still himself, and he would be damned if anyone or anything took that away from him, from them. Because if there was one thing this whole ordeal taught him, it was how much one life affected others. There are so many things he wishes he could put into words for Chizuru, so many things he wishes he could make clear. His tongue is clumsy, and his throat refuses to work, but the rest of his body knows what it wants to say. He pulls her into a gentle embrace. _Thank you, I’m going to be ok, we’re going to be ok._ Her arms come up, and wrap around him in return. She understands. She always did.

**Author's Note:**

> If you read all the way through this beast, you deserve a cookie (or maybe you're a cake or pie person?)! 
> 
> I hope that wasn't too rough a read, and that you enjoyed it. I'm officially out of university for summer break so I have a lot more free time to write. I have some stuff I want to work on, and there are some elements of my writing that I know need some polishing, but I figured I might as well put something out there and see how it goes. I really enjoyed writing this piece. I admire Heisuke's character, as well as his friendships, and relationship with Chizuru. With any lucky, I did him some sort of justice. This was not supposed to end up at nearly 6,000 words, but oh well! 
> 
> Also, I'm not used to the formatting yet. So if anything looks off let me know. I think I caught everything, but I might have missed something.  
> Anyway, thanks again for reading. Have a great day!


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